Finding Balance
Yesterday I wrote a long blog post about feeling overwhelmed. Set off by a series of small things, I suddenly found myself in a weird place where everything felt wrong. I wrote a list of what has me feeling overwhelmed and it ranged from being tired, the gym was smelly, social media is dead, my art market might get rained out, I signed on for too many things and I don’t have time to do anything else, and on and on. It was an excessively long list and if you were one of the two people who read the post before I took it down, you now probably feel overwhelmed.
Today, instead of continuing to push myself in a direction I felt unwilling to go, I left the house and journaled at a cafe. Journaling grounds me, allows me find clarity, and saves my friends from hearing all my dumb little petty worries that plague me. Writing for an hour forced me to confront that I was spiraling and if I’d just take a step back, I could see that things were actually okay. In fact, things were going in a good direction. I wrote it all out: I got a surprising email that I was awarded a stipend for my art residency, I was asked to run some art workshops, I updated my shop with a ton of new items, and I’ve created some steady work that gives me a little cushion between shop updates.
Sure, social media felt dead, but I have friends and connections that have sought me out for amazing opportunities and that means infinitely more than views, likes, and follows on instagram. My market might be rained out, but I’m prepared with a stocked shop online. Maybe I don’t feel as prepared as I’d like, but maybe I’m actually plenty prepared and I don’t need to optimize every moment to do more work.
When I focused on the negative, I fell inwards and everything felt insurmountable. There was too much happening and I couldn’t get a grasp on on anything. As a coping mechanism, I’d stare at my phone so long that I get nauseous, but then feel guilty that I’d squandered my time. There’s always negativity to fixate on; it feels important because it makes us feel strongly. The nice things seem to float around quietly in the background, but I’m urging myself to seek out the good things that are happening and reminding myself that I am where I am because of the good things
Sometimes the things I perceive as bad aren’t so. They’re an opportunity to reflect on whether I can unclench my death grip on expected outcomes and if I really need to have things the way I want them all the time. My only caveat is that the gym shouldn’t be as smelly as it is; the rest stands. It’s also a reminder that I can slow down and should slow down if I want longevity in this field. To be an artist or to work for yourself, you have to roll with the punches even when they seem directed at your face lately. Despite being laid off nearly a year ago, I’ve only been supporting myself for a few months. I need to grant myself some grace and give myself time to make mistakes and learn what works best for me. Starting over in your 30’s hit different